Tim Cook Announces: "We're Not in the Phone Business, We're in the Gullible Idiot Looting Business!"

In a press conference that shattered the usual corporate PR playbook, Apple CEO Tim Cook dropped a bombshell. “We’re not just in the phone business anymore,” Cook announced, holding up the shiny new iPhone 16 Pro Max. “We’re in the business of looting gullible idiots, and if you’ve bought an Apple product recently, congratulations—you’re an iIdiot.”

Apple’s Looting Empire

Cook’s statement, while blunt, was met with surprising acceptance by Apple fans. After all, Apple has been perfecting the art of selling minor updates at sky-high prices for years. The iPhone 16 Pro Max, retailing at $1,999, boasts “the same everything, with a more pretentious name,” according to Cook.

When asked what sets the 16 Pro Max apart, Cook grinned and said, “It’s got a shinier finish, five more minutes of battery life, and a color called 'Overpriced Gold.' We know none of that matters, but guess what? You’re still going to buy it.”

Introducing the iIdiot: A New Era of Loyalty

Cook then introduced the iIdiot membership, Apple’s latest strategy to capitalize on their fanbase’s undying loyalty.

“There’s a special breed of Apple fan who doesn’t just buy our products—they worship them. We’ve decided to honor these loyal consumers with the iIdiot program,” Cook said proudly.

The iIdiot program is designed for those who will buy whatever Apple produces, no questions asked. For $999 a year, members will receive perks like:

• Early Access to Overpriced Disappointments: Be the first to buy the latest Apple product that’s essentially identical to last year’s model.

• Exclusive Price Gouging: Enjoy paying more for accessories that any rational person would buy elsewhere for a fraction of the cost.

• Social Status Points: Flash your newest iPhone in public and bask in the jealousy of people who still have last year's model.

Cook elaborated: “iIdiots understand that being part of the Apple ecosystem isn’t about having the best phone. It’s about paying us more to feel like you have the best phone. And we’ve just made that official with the iIdiot program.”

The iIdiot Features

With their membership, iIdiots can look forward to several perks:

• Exclusive Accessories: Be the first to buy unnecessary but overpriced add-ons like a titanium charging cable that does the same thing as the regular one but costs $300.

• Future-proof Obsolescence: Members get to test phones that will be obsolete within a year—because at Apple, innovation means getting you to buy the same thing over and over.

• Beta Testing for New Ways to Loot You: You’ll be among the first to experience Apple’s new strategies, like removing useful features and then selling them back as “innovations.”

Fanbase Reaction

Despite Cook’s admission, Apple fans seemed more excited than ever. One enthusiastic fan, already waiting in line for the iPhone 16 Pro Max, said, “I love it! I know they’re looting me, but honestly, the brand loyalty is worth it. Besides, that new color is gorgeous.”

Another iIdiot-in-the-making proudly shared their rationale: “Look, my iPhone 15 works fine, but the 16 has a new wallpaper option and slightly rounder edges. It’s a no-brainer—take my money!”

The iFund: Looting Entire Nations

In what can only be described as Apple’s most ambitious move yet, Cook revealed plans to take their looting business global with the iFund.

“We’re not stopping at just looting individuals. We’re expanding globally. Soon, we’ll be looting entire countries,” Cook declared proudly. “We’ve already begun talks with governments about implementing a new tax called the iFund, which automatically directs part of your income to Apple every month, even if you don’t own any of our products.”

He continued, “It’s simple. Governments love it because it boosts GDP through sheer consumerism, and we love it because, well, who wouldn’t love free money from people who haven’t even bought an iPhone yet?”

Under the iFund plan, a small percentage of every citizen's salary would be diverted to Apple. In return, citizens will receive a free wallpaper download once a year, and occasional notifications reminding them of how much cooler their lives would be with the newest Apple product.

Cook concluded, “At Apple, we’ve always believed in thinking differently — especially when it comes to how we loot our customers. And you know what? You’ll keep coming back, because deep down, you love it.”

Judging by the ever-growing lines outside Apple stores worldwide, it seems he’s absolutely right.