New Year Resolutions Found Dead, Authorities Suspect “Directionless Optimism”

Authorities have warned that over 95 percent of New Year resolutions will be found dead by the end of January, based on early indicators and decades of identical outcomes.

Officials confirmed the resolutions are not dying naturally.

“They are being killed,” said a senior authority. “Ruthlessly. Without mercy.”

According to investigators, most resolutions are taken with great confidence and then systematically abandoned within days. Common methods include ignoring them, postponing them indefinitely, and pretending they were never that serious to begin with.

“These resolutions didn’t stand a chance,” an official noted. “The people who took them showed enthusiasm on Day One and active hostility by Day Three.”

Early casualties include resolutions to wake up early, eat clean, save money, and “get life together.” Many were last seen on January 1, immediately after being announced publicly.

By the first week of January, signs of neglect were already visible. By mid-January, most were described as “beyond recovery.”

Experts confirmed that directionless optimism remains the leading cause of death.

“People make commitments with no plan, no timeline, and no willingness to change habits,” said a specialist. “The resolution is then left alone with reality. It rarely survives.”

“I really believed in it,” said one individual, while ordering his sixth chicken shawarma and rescheduling his fitness goals for 2027.

Authorities confirmed no arrests will be made, noting that the perpetrators are also the victims.

At press time, officials stated that despite the ongoing casualties, a fresh batch of New Year resolutions is already being prepared for next year.