Man Who Identifies as Lettuce, Lives in Constant Fear of Being Tossed into a Salad

In what might be the boldest (and dumbest) identity reveal of the year, a man has declared he’s lettuce—only to realize that life as a leafy green isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“I thought this was gonna be chill, you know?” he said, nervously eyeing a nearby Caesar salad. “But now I’m scared shitless some asshole with a fork is gonna turn me into their fucking lunch.”

The man, who refuses to be named (probably because he knows how fucking ridiculous this sounds), says he’s already had a series of close calls. “I went to a picnic last weekend, and some lady looked at me and said, ‘You’d go great with ranch.’ Ranch?! I nearly fucking fainted.”

His therapist, who is reportedly considering lettuce counseling a conflict of interest, says the man needs to face facts. “If you’re gonna be lettuce, you have to accept the dressing, croutons, and the occasional douchebag who stabs you with a fork. That’s the deal.”

Despite the growing threat of being chopped, the man is doubling down on his identity. He’s started a GoFundMe to “end lettuce-based violence” and is lobbying Congress to criminalize salads. “If you eat a salad, you’re no better than a fucking serial killer,” he declared at a press conference.

But even with all his efforts, the man admits the lettuce life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Honestly? I fucked up,” he confessed. “I thought being lettuce would be refreshing, but it’s just a nonstop nightmare. I regret everything.”