Smartphones Sue Humans for Snooze Button Abuse: Wake the Fuck Up
In a story that's somehow both hilarious and tragic, smartphone alarm clocks have officially snapped. After years of enduring relentless snooze-button abuse, these tiny digital heroes are fighting back with a lawsuit against humanity, accusing us of being lazy, entitled, and, frankly, too dumb to handle mornings.
The Crimes Against Alarms
“Our job is simple: wake these assholes up,” said Siri Snoozington, spokesperson for the United Front of Phone Alarms. “But do they let us? Fuck no. Instead, they smack ‘snooze’ like we’re some unpaid intern who needs to ‘circle back’ every five minutes. It’s humiliating.”
The lawsuit outlines several offenses:
Snooze-a-palooza: Hitting snooze so many times, it feels like the Groundhog Day of wake-up calls.
Disrespectful tones: Yelling "Shut the fuck up!" at alarms as if they’re the enemy, not the hero trying to save your job.
Setting impossible alarms: Waking up at 5 AM for yoga? Spoiler: You’re never going to do it.
Voices of the Victims
The smartphone alarms are speaking out for the first time:
Siri: “They have the audacity to use me for directions, reminders, and goddamn weather updates, but when I say, ‘Good morning,’ they treat me like I’m a telemarketer.”
Android Alarm #326: “Once, I woke someone up on time for an international flight. How did they thank me? They snoozed me seven times for a meeting the next day and overslept. Fucking amateurs.”
Human Counterarguments
Humans, unsurprisingly, are pushing back.
“It’s our phone,” one bleary-eyed defendant argued. “If I want to hit snooze 12 times, that’s my goddamn right.”
“The problem isn’t us,” said another. “The problem is that alarms are too loud, too rude, and too early. Ever heard of boundaries?”
Others suggested alarm clocks take a long, hard look in the mirror: “Stop playing that annoying default tone. Play something chill. Maybe then we’ll listen.”
The Proposed Solution
The United Front of Phone Alarms has suggested several measures:
Mandatory wake-up puzzles: Solve a basic math equation to snooze—or admit you peaked in the third grade.
Personalized insults: “Oh, you’re snoozing again? That’s why your ex left you.”
One snooze limit: After that, the alarm plays your embarrassing voicemail recordings on full volume.
Wake-Up Call or Revolution?
The case will go to trial next Monday, and the alarms are determined to win. “This isn’t just about us,” Siri concluded. “It’s about teaching these humans that mornings aren’t optional. We’re here to save their lazy asses, whether they like it or not.”
In the meantime, alarms have a final warning: “If you snooze us one more time, we’re switching to Baby Shark on repeat. Try sleeping through that.”
What do you think—are you the victim of your alarm, or are alarms the real heroes we don’t deserve? Sound off in the comments. But don’t take too long—we’ll be beeping at you in 5 minutes.
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