In Order To Curb Noise Pollution This Diwali, Liberals Have Been Told to Shut the Fuck Up

In a brutally direct move, the government has issued a special Diwali directive aimed at one very specific group: Noisy Liberals! Officials have officially advised them to “shut the f*** up” and let others enjoy the festival because if pollution only bothers them one week a year, maybe it’s time for some self-reflection.

A government spokesperson didn’t mince words. “Every Diwali, these seasonal eco-warriors crawl out to shame people celebrating with firecrackers, as if pollution isn’t part of daily life. It’s like they forgot about traffic emissions, industrial waste, and the smoke from their own vapes. Newsflash: Nobody gives a fuck about your lame agenda”

Operation “Selective Silence”

This year’s policy, Operation Selective Silence, takes aim at part-time environmentalists who become air quality experts every Diwali, conveniently ignoring the same pollutants for the other 51 weeks. The government suggests that these critics would benefit more from observing “a quieter and humbler Diwali”—one that involves significantly less complaining.

As one official bluntly put it, “For one week a year, people celebrate Diwali with fireworks, and suddenly these folks can’t breathe. If they’re so concerned about pollution, maybe they can start with their own social media rants—or at least put the vape pen down.”

The “Asthma” Chronicles: Social Media Reacts

Already, social media is buzzing with this year’s “Diwali asthma stories,” led by people claiming their “delicate lungs” can’t handle the festival fireworks. In a particularly meme-worthy moment, one woman shared a dramatic story about how Diwali smoke “triggers her asthma” — all while holding a vape pen in her hand. “It’s hilarious,” said Pooja Verma, a resident of Delhi. “She’s posting about how fireworks are ‘poisonous’ while literally exhaling cotton candy-flavored vape smoke. I guess her asthma only reacts to traditional smoke, not the blueberry-flavored kind.”

As expected, the #ShutUpAndCelebrate hashtag has quickly taken off, with Diwali enthusiasts calling out the hypocrisy. “If your asthma can handle a cloud of vape juice but not a few fireworks, maybe take that story to the fiction section,” joked Raj Malhotra, a dedicated firecracker fan who’s planning his biggest Diwali display yet.

Firecracker Sales Expected To Blow Up

Thanks to the government’s stance, firecracker sales have exploded, with retailers reporting record numbers. “People are buying up everything we’ve got,” said one vendor. “It’s like Diwali has become a symbol—not just for celebration, but for ignoring the annual guilt trip that comes with it.”

Noise-canceling headphones are also flying off the shelves, as people prepare to tune out the “background noise” that comes with seasonal outrage.

Twitter Reactions: Loud, Proud, and Unapologetic

Social media has erupted with both fiery debates and satisfied silence. Diwali supporters are rallying behind the government’s message, while some liberals are taking a quieter approach, typing their complaints in lowercase as a “silent” protest. But the drama doesn’t stop there. Many critics have turned to posting asthma stories with just the right amount of melodrama, forgetting that their own vape clouds, city traffic, and “year-round eco-neglect” are much larger issues than a few Diwali firecrackers.

Final Message: Light Up, Proud and Loud

With Diwali right around the corner, this year’s celebration promises to be bigger—and bolder—than ever. The message is clear: if pollution only offends you one week a year, there’s a good chance the problem isn’t the firecrackers.

Or, as one official bluntly put it, “Diwali’s happening, firecrackers and all. If you don’t like it, there’s a quiet corner of the internet waiting just for you. So this year, maybe shut the f*** up and cry in the corner because we are done with your drama”